I don't know you...

But do I really need to?
I know your pain, your fears.
I know your thoughts, your tears.
I know because I have felt them before.
I am not asking you to confide in me,
but a greater man, Our Lord.
So this short piece I write,
through eyes stained by tears,
For I have fought the same fight,
and found myself in capable of victory on my own.
I only pray that you will reach the same conclusion that I have.

Yea....It's late.

I can't sleep tonight. Maybe its the cold air that can not be stopped form creeping through my window. Perhaps it is the Bacon cheeseburger reminding me that midnight is far to late to eat a cheeseburger. Maybe it is my willing desire to study Greek at awful hours of the night.... umm most likely not. I like Greek, I really do, but that is just a rabbit trail that I do not feel like traveling down presently. The reason... the real reason, is that nagging reminder of what happened four years prior to today. As I lay here on my couch, bundled under 3 blankets there is still a chill in my spine. I can still feel the rope around my neck. (Author's pause for readers assurance... I am ok. I promise you, sometimes memories arent remembered but felt.) As I am laying here, fighting sleep, I find myself pushing back the memories. Not forgetting, because one cannot forget such painful things, but more like refusing to call to memory. God has brought to my memory an old hymn, or rather a verse of an old hymn: "My sin, O the bliss, of this glorious thought. My sin, not in part, but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, OH MY SOUL! It is well, with my soul. It is well, it is well, with my soul."

There I was,
Standing on a precipice,
Standing between life and death.
Wondering if anyone would miss me when I'm gone.
The tears and fears that I foresaw,
Weighing there upon my heart.
How could anyone love me?

So I fell,
To my back,
Arms out-stretched wide,
Oh God I don't know why
God I don't know why.
You just won't let me die.
You just won't let me die.

There they were,
Kneeling down before their bed
Praying to God that he would then,
Save their wayward son.
Bring him back to us.

So they fell,
To their faces
Asking for more graces
He doesn't see our love,
He just wants to die.
God, we don't know why
God, we don't know why.
He even wants to die,
He even wants to die.

There he was,
Hanging there upon a cross,
Dying for my sins,
Dying for my sins.
My hate of self held Him there,
All my pain He did bear

So I fall to my knees
Thanking Him for healing my disease
praying for more grace
for today's lonely and self-disgraced.
God they don't know why.
God they don't know why.
For themselves you would die,
For them you would die.

It's been awhile since I posted on here, so here goes, I am ending my hiatus with an amazing story of how God works through confusing, frustrating and embarrassing situations. During the summers, I work at an agency that deals with mentally and developmentally handicapped people, my department focuses on developmentally challenged children, aged 5- 18. So Wednesday day night, August 5th, I was supposed to drop my kid off at his house at 7:30, I told his parents that was when I would be back, and they assured me that they would be home. They weren't. Usually Its not a big deal, I just leave the kid at home, call the parents and inform them. But I can't do that with this kid. This twelve year old is suicidal, and the last three times he has been left alone, he has tried to end his life. So i had to stay with him for the hour that it took his parents to get there. I tried to call, and the cell phone number I had, was not working. So we waited and watched cartoons. And then God started to tip his hand on what he was doing... My kid told me that he knew why I had to stay, and that he feels that no one understands him. I responded "I know how you feel, I felt the same way growing up." "Drew, why God changed my heart, and my life." And this opened the door to a forty 45 minute conversation on sin/heaven/hell/good works aren't enough... It ended when his parents got home and he said he wanted to hear more about this next week (my last week before heading back to school). Pray with me that God will open the door again for me. -The Last Man Standing- D.D.

"Friendly-Fire"

Tonight I read an email form an old friend. Apparently she was upset about something. TO make a long story short during her rantings of how much of a screw-up I am, and always will be, she made a statement. A very telling, and painful statement. "You have [screwed] up your life so much, God cant use you." I now understand why i find it so hard to trust people. I now understand why I find it so hard to open up and be myself and share my past. I have allowed that lie to affect and infect my life. I found this quote, I have a feeling I will be using this quote to remind me of God's grace for years to come.

" I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am."-John Newton

Why the last man standing?

Some of you who read this may know who I am, others may not. My name will not be used for reasons you will know shortly. I am the last man standing, tho I do not stand on my own. I used to be suicidal. Tried 4 times to end my life. I was part of a suicide pact. As of this last semester the other three guys have ended their lives. Any psychologist would tell you that any one in my situation with my past would've cracked and given in and killed himself by now. So what gives? As I said before, I do not stand on my own, I am held up by my Savior, Jesus Christ. He died in my place, my debt to the pact has been paid. So know I live, wholeheartedly for the one who died in my place, figuratively and yet literally as well. So, as I stand, I encourage you to stand also.

I remember a few years realizing how many churches have been making a huge mistake without even realizing it. So many real issues are never talked about because they can be "socially awkward". Well when a 17 yr old girl gets raped, and cant tell her parents, and certainly cant tell anyone in the church, the only place left to turn is the worlds philosophy, that will tell her she is inherently good, and that a "good God" would never allow something that horrible to happen to one of his "children".... It makes so much sense why teens for one have the highest rate of suicide in this generation then any other. Teenagers in this generation have more abortions than any other point in history as well. and the numbers are seldom different in Christian circles compared to secular ones. Yes we as Christians have the hope, but to many times, I hide my hope, because is hurts. The reason for my hope is so deeply tried to my past failures and struggles, that it becomes easier to that it becomes easier to hide my hope then to open up one more painful time, and show the passion that I have for hurting people because of what I have gone through. How come God spared me? I entered into a suicide pact because I had had a bad day at school, and three friends had also. All three have committed suicide. I have not. I will not. I am the last one standing. Yet there are days when I stand and there are days when I fall back only to be propped up by the cross, to have my Savior grab me by the hand in front of the Accuser and tell him that he died in my place. Praise God! In the Roman judicial system the Judge sat btwn 2 men, one on his left, the other on his right. The one on the left was the accuser (prosecution), the one on the Right handed out the appeals. Praise the Lord that My Savior stands on the right side of God on his throne. I have been pardoned. Praise the Lord!

Who really matters?

It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt


Too many times we worry about the critic, that person who sees us fail at the worst of times, or points out our faults in our success. We need to stop wasting time thinking about what they think about us. We need to fight the fight our way. I would rather fail in a moment when I am fighting with every last effort I have, then to never even know the difference between victory and defeat. Just saw this quote thought I would share it.